To Tell or Not To Tell...About Your IVF

I just spent a month with my parents in Dubai for the holidays. They live on the west coast of the United States so it’s a very far journey for them and it means we don’t get to see each other very often. With all this time on our hands we were able to have lots of deep discussions about life, parenting, Covid, memories, aging, and many other things. We are very close now but I was reminded of how I didn’t tell them about our IVF journey until it was all over. In the years since I have shared with them some of my experiences and they were really surprised that I went through all of that without telling them about it. They have also witnessed me do some of the work I do around supporting women as they go through it. They have read some of my writing on the topic, heard me on the radio, and looked at the website I created. Because infertility had not touched their lives before - my bother and his wife have 4 children all from spontaneous pregnancies, they were quite overwhelmed as they started to learn about my journey. They adore their grandchildren and are so grateful that I did what I did to create them, but it’s all rather shrouded in mystery to them. I was reflecting on this while I was with them and I wondered if I would make the same choices today about whether or not to share this journey with them as I did at the time. 

Cassie with her dad and mom in Dubai

Part of the reason I started IVF Support UAE was because I experienced a lot of my fertility treatments as a new expat without a support community around me. I didn’t want anybody to have to go through that isolation if they didn’t want to. But, I also knew that I had made the choice not to share my infertility status with very many people. I had only told a few very close friends and not a single member of my family. I had my reasons for doing this. It was partly because I didn’t wish to discuss it widely and I didn’t want to be answering questions about how it was all going. I just wanted to keep my head down and get on with it. My parents are very loving and supportive, but I knew they could not offer me the support I needed and that their concern for me would only irritate me so I kept it to myself. 

I know that the way I felt about it is certainly not the way that everyone does. The decision about who to tell what about your infertility is a deeply personal and bespoke one. Some people want to surround themselves with as much care and support as they possibly can. They may find it useful to talk about the experiences they are having and hear what other people have to say about it. I know that when I began to open up about our fertility treatment once I was pregnant I was astounded by how many of my friends, co-workers, and acquaintances had gone through it too. 

There are many other benefits to sharing your infertility status.

In addition to giving your friends and family and opportunity to support you, sharing allows you to be more open about your life during a potentially difficult time. It may be a real burden to pretend that everything is fine and dandy when in actuality you are heartbroken, terrified, exhausted, and physically uncomfortable. Not having to act as though everything is fine can be a real relief. 

There may be times when you are asked to be included in a situation that may make you uncomfortable like attending a baby shower or a family event where you know there will be lots of babies and children. When your support network knows of your infertility status you have an opportunity to decline these invitations if you wish to and know that they understand. Making your friends aware of your fertility struggles also gives them an opportunity to take your feelings into consideration so they do not insensitive comments to you. I remember a friend constantly complaining to me about how swollen her ankles were during her pregnancy and another family member asking me each time we spoke when I was planning to get pregnant. People do not want to hurt your feelings and would often feel terrible if they know that they had so giving them that heads up helps you all avoid feeling uncomfortable. 

It can also be very helpful to have someone to talk to other than your partner. He may be going through his own emotions and struggles and having someone else to talk to can be a relief for both you and your partner.

There are also some good reasons you may choose not to tell others.

Like me, perhaps you do not wish to share private and medical information about yourself and be put in a position where you have to answer lots of questions and constantly explain why you need the treatment. Although I sincerely wish it was not true, there is a stigma around infertility and many women are made to feel they are “less than” other women who are able to get pregnant without intervention. It may make you uncomfortable to disclose this about yourself and that is just fine.

Many women find that their infertility treatments become almost the only thing they are thinking about while they are going through it. I know it was the first and last thing I focused on every day during my IVF cycles. The fear that it also becomes the only thing they can talk about can be really daunting too. Not telling anyone means not having to discuss with with anyone.

Perhaps you don’t want your friends to edit themselves and not share the details of their lives that involve pregnancy and children. You may not want to feel pitied as well.

I am a firm believer that you can choose to tell or not tell whomever you want to. Whatever you can do to make the experience easier on you is all you have to do. You do not owe anybody a glimpse into your infertility if you don’t wish to share. Part of the reason I wanted to become a Fertility Doula was so that I could offer the support that I would have wanted when I was going through it. I didn’t want to tell my friends but that didn’t mean that I wouldn’t have benefited from speaking to someone about it. Talking it all though can be enormously beneficial but it can help when you can speak to someone that you don’t then have to see at work or at brunch. This is a role that I love to fulfill for my clients. You are welcome to reach out to me to see if I can assist you in this way too!

Now that I have had a wonderful visit with my parents I feel pretty secure in the decision I made not to talk to them about it at the time, but to each her own. They would have tried to support me in whatever way I asked them to, but they are also their own people with their own concerns about their daughter and I just didn’t want to have to think about that. My decision was right for me at the time. As long as you listen to your heart about what you really need, yours will be too.