It occurred to me the other day that it was at this time of year that I did the IVF that resulted in my twins. There is something about the days getting warmer that reminds me of that time. I also remember that I did my trigger shot on the evening of my 39th birthday. My husband and I had to make early dinner reservations to ensure that we would be home in time to administer the shot at exactly 9:30pm. Well, my 42nd birthday is next week so it is only natural that I am thinking of that time again.

That was my third IVF and everything felt different about it. I am not someone who believes in “signs from the universe” but I just had a feeling that it was going to work for me that time. A few weeks after my previous, unsuccessful IVF I was convinced by my friend to speak to a fertility astrologer, which is a story for another time. She told me that I should try another cycle again that April and that is exactly when I was doing it. We had already picked that time frame with our doctor so we would have been doing it then anyway, but it was just another sign (which I still didn’t believe in) that we were on the right path.

My husband and I had decided that we would do three IVFs without discussing it further. If we were still not pregnant after the third IVF we were going to have to carefully consider our path forward. This was the last one. I didn’t know what would happen after this one if it didn’t work. I had three frozen, but untested, embryos in San Francisco so that may have been a possibility. It felt like the stakes were so much higher for this cycle. Springtime brings back all that anxiety.

At breakfast this morning I decided to look at my calendar from this date three years ago. I had had an appointment at the IVF clinic that morning and I was on my 9th day of Gonapeptyl. My egg retrieval was about 2 weeks away. I saw that I had lunch with a friend that day and I can still remember that pit of anxiety in my stomach as we chatted. What an overwhelming experience it can be to try so desperately to get pregnant. It felt like nobody I knew had ever had to struggle with it. I felt so utterly alone.

I think that every year, as Dubai heats up, I will remember that time. Now I am grateful for the struggle. It formed me. It created in me a desire to reach out to my sisters in infertility and create something that we can all benefit from. It makes me treasure each giggle, new word spoken, tantrum, and dirty diaper. I know I would adore my children just as much if I didn’t have to have an IVF to get them, but the heartbreak it took to have them makes my time with them all the sweeter.

My spring bring you blessings beyond your imaginations. May the hot days help you to burn with the focus you need to stay on this difficult path. And if you ever need a hand, a kind word, a hug, or a shoulder to cry on, may you find it here amongst your sisters.